


sunkisses

by Bang_Daddy_Chan



Series: Stray Kids Angst/Fluff [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bang Chan is a Good Friend, Bang Chan is a Good Hyung, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Crying, Cussing, Felix is too busy being worried to be worried about his romantic feelings, Fellas is it gay to kiss ur homies???, Fluff and Angst, Gay Panic, Han Jisung | Han is Whipped, Han Jisung | Han is a Confident Gay, Han Jisung | Han is a Good Friend, Hwang Hyunjin is Whipped, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I believe in Felix Freckle Supremecy, I put all possible trigger warnings the notes, I took my feelings out on felix, Intrusive Thoughts, Kim Seungmin is a Good Friend, Kinda poly???, Kissing, Lee Felix Needs a Hug (Stray Kids), Lee Felix is a Panicked Gay (Stray Kids), Lee Minho | Lee Know is Whipped, Lee Minho | Lee Know is a Good Friend, M/M, Minor Bang Chan/Han Jisung | Han, Minor Han Jisung | Han/Seo Changbin, Minor Kim Seungmin/Yang Jeongin | I.N, Multi, My goddamn mind wont give my boys a break, Other, Polyamory, Pre-Poly, Pre-Slash, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Esteem Issues, Seo Changbin is a good cook as well, Seungmin is v observant, Shy Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Sorry Not Sorry, Still pissed that isnt a tag, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Violent Thoughts, Yang Jeongin | I.N is Whipped, Yang Jeongin | I.N is a Confident Gay, Yang Jeongin | I.N is a Little Shit, as per usual, but make it freckles, hes a hood hyung too, maknae on top says it all, not intentionally malevolent tho, oh yeah, oki now that other tags, this is horny coded as fuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-13 19:13:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29531103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bang_Daddy_Chan/pseuds/Bang_Daddy_Chan
Summary: "I hate having these thoughts. They make my skin crawl and they make me feel so sick. I don't ever want to think like that again, but I don't how to make it stop.""I just want it to stop, hyung."Or:Lee Felix needs his hyungs and his two maknaes to pull him out of the downward spiral that is his brain.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Han Jisung/Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin/Lee Felix/Lee Minho/Seo Changbin/Yang Jeongin, Bang Chan/Lee Felix, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Felix, Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Felix, Kim Seungmin/Yang Jeongin | I.N, Lee Felix (Stray Kids)/Everyone, Lee Felix (Stray Kids)/Stray Kids Ensemble, Lee Felix/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin, Lee Felix/Yang Jeongin | I.N
Series: Stray Kids Angst/Fluff [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2117400
Comments: 2
Kudos: 97





	sunkisses

**Author's Note:**

> Ya girl is back!! And yes, with angst, bc once again i can't write anything else. Enjoy!
> 
> TW: Intrusive violent thoughts, cussing, self depreciation, Felix is dysmorphic about his freckles, crying, panic attack, horny coding -_-

When Felix was little, he remembered being made fun of for his freckles. At that age, kids were out in the sun all the time, so his little face had been nearly completely swathed in the small dots. And, as a child, he hadn't really been bothered by it. His mom said they were pretty, so why should he care what the other kids thought? But after reaching the second grade, he started to feel self-conscious. He might have never even thrown a side ways glance at them had he had any different middle school experience.

Children are mean, and blunt, and have no sense of cause-effect, so of course the one thing that made little Felix different from the other children had been singled out. He had other kids asking him all the time what the little speckles on his face were, and the inquiries never really bothered him. Most of them only asked and then left him alone to never even think about the trivial thing ever again. It was different however, when they started firing the questions one after the other rapidly with a bewildered and slightly contemptuous tone. Maybe the kids didn't realize the tone they used or the connotation in which it put words, but Felix picked up on the tone. He remembered one such situation vividly.

  
When you're young you don't know many things. Boundaries, tone of voice, what's edible and what's not, is merely white noise in a world filled with bright colors and interesting sounds. Its not surprising that a friend you make in kindergarten can become someone you dislike. Children follow the flow of life and they don't feel the need to choose and judge character. Children don't know what friends are supposed to be like, hence the reason toddler "best friends" fight all the time. Felix, very much under the same illusion, thought it was probably normal to be teased like this by friends. Their little comments were mostly easy to dismiss, and they stayed that way until the day Myra, a little girl with pigtails, had reached across the lunch table pressed her finger against his face.

  
"What are these Felix?"

  
"Those are my freckles! Mommy says they're-"

  
"They look weird." One of the other kids interrupted, his mouth full of half chewed baloney and cheese.

  
"Yeah, it looks like dirt! Why would anyone want freckles?" Myra had asked with a giggle. Felix wondered why that stung so much.

  
"I-I like my freckles though..."

  
They ignored him and by the end of the day Felix's name had gone from just that, to "Dirty Felix". On the way home that day, Felix asked his mom why he had freckles and none of the other little kids did. She told him it was because he was special. Felix doubted special people got made fun of like he did. If special was what made Felix's tummy twist like this, then Felix didn't want to be special at all. He'd rather be a normal, boring old freckle-less Felix. That night as he was brushing his teeth, Felix stared at his reflection and the little brown speckles that sprawled across his cheekbones and nose. He thought that maybe he was starting to see what the other kids did.

  
Maybe they were right? The freckles couldn't be that nice to look at, could they? Besides, who wanted a bunch of little asymmetrical blemishes all over their face? Felix prodded at his cheeks in the places that Myra had touched earlier that day. He remembered when he had asked his mom how he got them, a long time before now, she had said they were caused by the sun. It was then that Felix started hiding from the sun. He avoided its rays like the plague. He wore hoods, caps, beanies, sunglasses; hell, he even put sunscreen on during picture days just to attempt to avoid it's light. Throughout middle school and most of high school this remained his schedule. Even then some of his freckles stayed, so he started wearing cover-up. He had bought it himself with, to his utter humiliation, the help of a store attendant who had given him an odd look. He hid it in his sock drawer the instant he got home and, out of pure fear, left it there for a week. After he worked up the courage to look at the bottle again, he began practicing and perfecting it every chance he got. No kid truly realizes how close his parents live to him than when he is trying to hide something. Felix hardly ever got the time to practice because of it, but the instant his parents weren't home, he was in his bathroom with that stupid glass bottle.

Surprisingly, it didn't take long to learn how to properly apply it. The first time Felix was truly happy about the thickness of it and how it looked, he had felt relief. Not the kind of relief that you feel after a quiz, but the kind that made tears spring to your eyes. He felt freer with it on than he did at home, away from the prying eyes of his peers. Felix wore it to school everyday after that, sure to be careful where he put it on at school. He walked the halls with more confidence and casualty than ever. It was only when he had to wipe it off before home, that the feeling depleted. Even though the cover-up made him feel good, the hiding and sneaking made him feel a lot worse than he thought it would. He didn't know what he would do if his mom found out that he was using it.

  
Felix's mother probably wouldn't have cared that he wore make up if she thought it was just for fun, but he knew how hurt she would be if she knew the true reason. She spent so much time just trying to coax Felix into believing they were beautiful. He didn't want to break her heart now that he truly knew how he looked. So around his family, Lee Felix kept up his unfortunate facade. But at school? Felix allowed himself to feel like a better version of himself. 

  
During high school, the stupid teasing seemed to stop. Every once and a while Felix would hear a snide comment or two from people about how gross his freckles were, but all the names he had been called stopped being used. Nevertheless, the insecurity surrounding his freckles stayed. Felix, in the meantime, preoccupied himself with chasing his dreams. He spent years training and writing raps and songs on his own. For the next few years, his freckles took a back seat and when he got into JYP he forgot that the issue ever even existed. Now that he was finally living his dreams, the issue seemed trivial at best. He was often so busy dancing, writing lyrics, or rapping that he didn't even have time to think about covering up his freckles or to be embarrassed about them. The years after that, passed in a blur of sweat, tears, laughter and no small amount of sleepless nights. Felix met new people, lost them, and better yet, not a single person there seemed to care about his freckles. Or at least they were too focused to notice them, which worked out just fine as well. There Felix learned new things; he slowly grew out of his young naivete, his pants, and his soft boyish voice. It was also there at JYP, that Felix met his second family. A group of seven boys who shared his dreams and passions and understood him in ways he never thought anyone could. 

  
Felix laughed with them, cried with them, and finally, finally debuted with them. In that little moment of happiness and vulnerability, his insecurity crept back once again. Before moving to Korea, Felix had known about their less than kind beauty standards. The issues with plastic surgery, body image, and most importantly the focus on flawless porcelain-like skin, was no small matter. Felix didn't stop to think before he moved, what that would mean for his freckles. 

  
The instant he had sat down in the dressing room for the first time, the stylist had ruthlessly taken a beauty blender full of foundation to his face and when she had finished, his freckles were gone. Maybe it shouldn't have bothered him as much as it did, after all he had done that himself in highschool, but something about it had him nauseous. Felix said nothing despite the weird feeling in his tummy. It was as if he'd been snatched back to those days in middle school again. He could nearly hear those kids' words echoing in the crags of his brain. He pushed it away and put up with the routine of wiping it off at the end of performances and filming, then getting it re-applied the next time they were being filmed or were performing. In terms of performance and nearly everything else, their debut went as well as it possibly could. Felix found that the excitement of it all was far too strong for his worries to conquer. It continued like that for the next few come backs and it felt like he finally would be free of the insecurity. Things didn't ever really seemed to work out for Felix.  


Come back season had been quite hard this time around; the choreography had been grilling even for him, and all his members had worked their asses off for the album and music videos as well. Naturally, all the stress had been slowly building affected each other as well as just themselves. This only led to a rise in tempers. The result of the tension that had been building through the months was a mountain of stress the size of Olympus. Everyone was on edge, which put everyone _else_ on edge and really, it was only natural for bad coping mechanisms to pop up again. Felix didn't really think he had particularly bad coping habits, but he definitely had some toxic mindsets, and they apparently decided that now was a great time to rear their heads.

  
The night after what was their last planned performance until the next album, Felix once again found himself in the bathroom; the situation was a mirror image of the night that had started this nightmare. He stood in front of the mirror and stared blankly at his cheeks, a toothbrush hanging loosely from his lips. The make up was gone from his face, and his bare cheeks were on display; the brown dots that had caused him so much pain were just as ugly as he remembered them to be. He stared at them, feeling a detached disdain as something ugly curled in his gut and choked his insides. Why couldn't he just have a normal face? Plain and pretty like everyone else. Felix scowled at his reflection before snatching the toothbrush that dangled from his lips and brushing his teeth with more prejudice than they probably deserved. Just _one_ thing, if just that _one thing_ about his face just stopped existing, maybe he could be happy. He spat out the now slightly bitter toothpaste, and ignored the urge to look in the mirror. He didn't acknowledge the little nagging voice that whispered at him to hide. To hide and shove his face under his blankets and never come out. He shoved it away but it continued, wondering in a saccharine sweet coo: _if you scratched hard enough...could you peel them off?_ He tried to coax the heavy steps he took to his bedroom into an up beat trot, yet somehow the short trip felt more like a funeral march. 

  
Felix wasn't sure what was happening to him, honestly. Their break was actually fairly long for just a simple come back (about a month long) plenty long enough to try and work all the stress out of his body, but he couldn't seem to relax. No matter where Felix was he didn't feel even the least bit relaxed. His shoulders were always tense and it only made things worse when one of his members graciously gave him a massage. He couldn't seem to stop moving either. If he was sitting, his hands were tapping on the table; if he was standing, he was shifting from foot to foot or pacing. Even his mind felt restless. No matter what he was doing it wasn't enough. He could be baking, listening to music, and talking to someone all at the same time, but his mind still wouldn't be satisfied. The worst part was not knowing _why_ it was happening or what he needed to do to stop it. There didn't seem to be cure to this random bout of unease. He'd tried so much to get rid of the feeling and so far nothing worked. He didn't know how to handle it anymore and he was sure that was why he was feeling so horrible and irritable all the time.

  
The nervous habits had shifted from small inconveniences to full blown mood regulators. But not in any good sense. Felix was erringly snappy and somehow also very unemotional. He absorbed everything that hurt or bothered him very quietly and without any struggle, thought about it a little and shut it up in a little box to never be seen again. His anger and annoyance only seemed to grow as he did this. The other day Jisung had been eating chips, and he wasn't a loud eater by any means, but everytime a chip went into his mouth the dainty crunching noises sounded like a fucking alarm clock ringing in Felix's ears. Felix tried his hardest to ignore it, engaging the others in conversation, going on his phone, watching whatever was on the TV, but the goddamn sound kept on interrupting his thought train. Well, more like throwing the fucking thing off its goddamn rails like King Kong. Felix didn't understand it. Somehow each crunch of those chips made him want to vault over the coffee table, snatch the bag right out of his hands and set them on fire, and maybe wrap his fingers around Jisung's neck and squeeze until he went purple, just for good measure. Felix jolted in surprise at the violent thought, completely thrown off. He abruptly stood up, mid-conversation, and walked out of the room so fast he nearly flew. 

  
He went to the bathroom and started the shower just to drown out the wild thoughts telling him to do violent things to both Jisung and his chips. Felix was scared, _why the fuck did he want to do that?_ _They were just fucking chips!_ He locked the door and with shaking hands and turned on the faucet to douse his face in freezing water. 

  
_What the hell was wrong with him?_ He loved his members, he _knew_ he did. He loved them so much sometimes it made his chest ache and burn...so why the hell did he feel this way? He lifted his face from the water to stare at himself in the mirror. He hadn't realized he'd started crying. His eyes were red and puffy and his cheeks vaguely resembled that of a gala apple. He felt fucking crazy. A sane person would sure as hell not think of strangling their loved ones and ripping their eyes out. Oh, wow that thought definitely hadn't been part of the chip situation. Felix wasn't sure he recognized the person staring back at him in the mirror anymore...

Oh wait, no. He did. He would recognize the pattern of those ugly fucking freckles anywhere.

His shower lasted longer than he should've let it. He'd turned the knob nearly all the way to the hottest setting and stood there underneath the flow of the water, skin turning red, fingers and toes pruning. He got out maybe fourty-five minutes later not having washed a single inch of his body and when he turned off the water he registered that he might've fucked up a little. His skin was bright red and quite literally steaming. It felt like his skin itself had stretched around his bones and muscle like a cotton shirt that had been in the dryer might stretch across his waist. Felix snorted at himself, at least his shoulders could relax now. Actually, his whole body felt relaxed. He wondered if his legs would even make the trip to his room so that he could find some clothes before he passed the fuck out. He was sure that the last thing Seungmin wanted to see before bed was Felix's bare ass. 

  
He did make it, just barely. He had collided with Changbin the instant he stepped out of the bathroom. He was very thankful to his past self for deciding that the towel was definitely worth the two seconds of movement required to cover himself. Felix had knocked into the older man's chest and his legs, being the weak little bitches they were, deduced that was the perfect time to give out. Changbin acted faster than gravity, fortunately, and caught him around the waist before he could fall. The rational part of Felix's brain was the one that muttered out a tired thank you, the irrational part on the other hand...maybe it was the one that made Felix cling a little too long to the arms around his torso. Changbin stared at him with a faint look of confusion, muttering out, half amused: 

  
_"Careful, Pixie."_

  
Felix wondered if it was possible to explode from embarrassment. Felix locked eyes with Changbin, and he would really like to pretend that his heart didn't give a feeble little flutter at the eye contact. His cheeks burned bright pink, his expression shy but nonetheless comfortable. Then suddenly it wasn't. It wasn't because his cheeks were right there, far too close to Changbin's line of sight. His freckles, were too close to Changbin's line of sight. Felix panicked internally, and carefully and strategically extracted himself from the man as fast as possible. He then skirted around Changbin and practically sprinted to his room. 

After he was dressed and laying in bed he stared up at the ceiling. He wondered if Changbin had noticed. He wondered if he had cared. Felix hoped beyond hope that he hadn't. Felix hadn't let anyone get that close to his face in a long, long time. Not even Chan or Jisung. He wondered if any of them would care. He wanted so bad for them to like them. To be the first ones ever to look at his freckles and not care they were there. If not even Felix could love them, then who would but his members? Felix didn't dream at all that night.

  
Felix woke the next morning and immediately groaned. _Was his skin supposed to feel like this?_ He hissed as he sat up; it felt tight and dry and incredibly sensitive. Even the oversized tee that probably belonged to Hyunjin felt like sand paper against the reddened skin. Felix pouted at his bad decision. Throwing his legs over the side of his bed, turned out to be an even worse one. The freezing floor paired with burned skin and sore legs resulted in a loud expletive. Luckily Seungmin was up already, or the volume surely would've woken him. Felix moved quickly and uncomfortably, and threw on looser underwear and soft clothing in the hopes that it'd help even the littlest bit.

The trek to the kitchen table was irritating at best, and the instant he reached a chair he flopped down. Everyone was already inside the kitchen, chattering with each other, happy and boisterous. Felix exhaled in relief, closed his eyes and let his head drop down on top of his forearms. The laughter and busy noises of clanking kitchen utensils faded out; the chaos softly muted to a sound that felt soothingly domestic. Felix felt comforted, content in a way that had warmth flowing in his veins and creeping into his bones. There was a scrape of a chair on linoleum and Felix felt a rush of air pass him as a figure in his peripheral sat down. Felix easily identified the person as Minho when they reached out, probably on instinct, and ran a hand through Felix's hair. He gently brushed his bangs back from his forehead and cooed at the happy little hum Felix let out. 

Felix remembered the time years ago when he and Minho had been eliminated. During those painful weeks away from their family, they danced so fiercely and desperately together, that at the end of their practices they were left drained and dripping in sweat. One day after practice, Felix had flopped down on the floor with his head on Minho's lap. He remembered feeling so tired and hopeless that he had buried his face into Minho's thighs, hoping for even the tiniest bit of comfort and skinship. Minho had been shocked at the action, but hadn't moved to push Felix away. The both just sat there, stuck in what felt like limbo, waiting for the other person to determine what happened next. Felix unintentionally decided for them. 

He started crying, shoulders shaking and repressed little sobs coming out in broken and stuttering hiccups. It was then, that Minho had moved. He tugged Felix farther up his lap and had soothingly ran his fingers through the baby hairs at the back of his neck. Felix wasn't certain how long Minho had sat there whispering soft comforting words to him and running his fingers through Felix's hair, but it must've been a while. From then on they had taken to sitting down after practice with Felix's head in Minho's lap and Minho's fingers in Felix's hair, gently untangling knots. If you had asked Felix, after he and Minho had debuted with Stray Kids, what he had learned from elimination, he'd say it would be that love got you everywhere. He wouldn't be here with his family if not for Minho, or anyone of his members really. Looking back on it, Felix had realized that sitting on the cold hard floor of the practice room probably hadn't been very nice to his hyung's tailbone. It was alright though, because Felix had always suspected that the ritual they had was a little more relaxing for his hyung than the man let on.

Felix remembered the first time that they all had practiced together after the survival show; he'd gone straight to Minho at the end of practice and laid down on his lap. It wasn't until maybe thirty seconds of silence had gone by, that he and Minho had looked up. The others were staring, most confused and others shocked. Felix had blushed and moved to sit up, but Minho pushed his head back down and stared right back at everyone else evenly. The look wasn't threatening or challenging in the least, but the message was clear. _We'll only have a problem if you make one._ They all had looked away without so much as a word. Every practice after that the same thing happened; no one questioned it. Eventually the habit had gone away, (there wasn't a huge need for it anymore) but it still showed itself every once and a while.

It was basically a Pavlovian response at this point, so the instant Minho's fingers slid through his bangs, Felix went boneless. The rest of the people at the table chuckled and cooed fondly at the reaction. The simultaneous noise only seemed to embolden everyone at the table, and in the blink of an eye they were all reaching over in an attempt to get their hands on any part of his face or hair. Felix groaned at them in protest, brushing Hyunjin's, Jeongin's and Seungmin's (the disrespectful brats), and Chan's hands away from his hair and cheeks. He sat up and Seungmin froze. Everyone retracted their hands except for Seungmin, whose hands rested on the back of his neck.

  
"Lix! Your cheeks!"

  
Felix felt as if a bucket of ice water had been dumped over his head, "W-what?" 

  
"They're so red! Did you get sunburnt?" 

  
Felix blinked in confusion. _They were red...? He wasn't talking about his freckles? What did he mean by red...?_

  
"Oh!" Felix recalled his shower all of a sudden, "I might've, kinda taken a really hot shower last night..."

  
"Yeah, no shit, Lix." Hyunjin chastised, "Look at your skin! It's all red and dry. Are you okay? Does it hurt?" 

  
"U-uhm, a little? It's just really sensitive and my skin feels like...tight? I don't know, does that make sense?" 

  
Chan hummed contempletively, "So that's why I burned my ass getting in the shower this morning," Felix flushed pink at the news, "But yeah, that makes sense Lixie. Instead of letting the sun bake you like bread, you took the steamed rice route." 

  
Felix heard Changbin choke from somewhere in the kitchen at the comparison, and soon after Jisung could be heard cackling at his expense.

  
"Some Aloe Vera lotion should fix that up real quick," Minho offered and Chan hummed his assent, "Do we have any?"

  
"I think I do!" Jeongin said excitedly, before running out of the room to go look.

  
Chan walked around the table to steal Seungmin's place next to Felix; the other standing to go to the kitchen to help Changbin and Jisung. Felix looked at Chan, slightly inquisitive, but he only received a sweet smile in return before he reached to cup Felix's cheeks. Felix startled, eyes flickering from Chan's, to the visible part of his arms, then back. Felix was sure the nervousness was clear on his face by the shy way Chan's lips curled at the corners. Chan brushed his thumbs over the apples of his cheeks, a focused pout overwriting the timid grin. Felix felt his heart jump, immediately wondering if he was looking at his freckles. Felix really hoped the redness of his cheeks disguised them. The idea of all his members seeing them consistently over the next few days was a surprisingly daunting thought.

  
"Why did you take such a hot shower last night, Lix? If it was hot enough to burn you like this, surely you would've felt it before it got to this point?"

  
Felix shifted nervously, unable to meet Chan's eyes. He felt Hyunjin grab at his hands again, nearly engulfing both of them with just his one. The shear difference in the size of their hands was still shocking even now. 

  
"I...I don't know. I was kind of out of it last night. I didn't notice until I got out that it hurt.. "

  
Chan nodded, sweeping his thumbs over his cheeks one more time before dropping his hands to rest on his shoulders. 

  
"That's okay, Lix. We'll make sure you're skin heals well. Speaking of, where is Jeongin and the lotion?"

  
Jisung stepped into the kitchen then, stretching his arms up so that his shirt road up his stomach. Felix couldn't help but stare maybe just a little too long at the wide, bronze expanse of skin. Felix wondered how it'd feel under his finger tips. If it'd be soft and smooth, or slightly rough over the bumps of his abs- He jerked his head away sharply to shake himself out of his stupor. He directed his attention to look at Hyunjin who only watched him with amusement. Felix glared at him hoping to convey his message. _Wipe the shit-eating grin off your face, asshole._ Or better yet: _Stop acting like you don't relate._ Whichever one Hyunjin had received, it had him giggling. Felix tried, in turn, to keep the smile off of his face for as long as he could, but really it was futile. Anyone who didn't find Hyunjin's laughter contagious was suspect for sure. Chan took the raucous laughter as a sign to depart and he stood, informing them about rescuing the menace that was their maknae. 

  
Minho was staring at Hyunjin and Felix, who had also started laughing at that point, looking for answers. He and Jisung met eyes and Jisung only shrugged before he climbed up onto the table bench just to adjust and sit on the _actual_ table. He laid down and slid until his head rested upside down directly beneath Felix's. Felix let out a few more chuckles before looking down at him and leaving Minho to grill Hyunjin on what the hell was so funny. 

  
"Hi." The word was chipper and excited and said with the biggest grin. 

Felix's heart seized and he was sure the term 'feeling butterflies' was made because the feeling resembled the tickle of those light wings.

Whoever made the saying was a fucking liar Felix decided, because the wings he felt in his stomach felt more like eagles' wings. They were heavy and strong and tore at his insides. _He was so incredibly beautiful,_ Felix couldn't help but think, shocking himself with the thought.

  
"Hi," Felix breathed back, and Jisung's blush and giggle made Minho and Hyunjin's cackles worth it.

  
Felix glanced over his reddening cheeks, his button nose, scrunched with laughter, his lips-

  
Felix was ripped out of his reverie by a thought.

_Strangle him._

  
He physically recoiled. His cheeks blanching even through their permanent redness. He was sure the freckles were visible now. _No, not again! Everything had been going well. Why did it have to happen now??_

  
Jisung had stopped giggling and Felix saw his smile slowly fade at his reaction. 

  
"Felix?" Jisung asked carefully, "Is something wrong?" Minho and Hyunjin stopped talking at those words, focusing on Felix. 

  
"N-no, I'm okay, just-" _Just stab him_ , the voice reasoned. _There's a fork just over there, it'd be so easy, Felix._ He choked on his words, hands flying up to cover his eyes.

  
Jisung sat up quickly, sliding across the table to sit at the edge on Felix's side. Jisung reached out to grab Felix's arms and carefully pull them from where they pressed into his eyes. Hyunjin and Minho stared in shock at the abrupt mood shift.

  
"Lixie, hey. Lixie, baby, look at me." Jisung cajoled. Felix shook his head firmly.

  
"Why not, Lix? What's wrong?" Jisung asked. Felix just shook his head again and as he did Jisung caught sight of a few lone tears that had squeezed past his hands.

  
Changbin and Seungmin entered then with the plates, in the middle of announcing breakfast, only to trail off at the sight of the scene at the table. The plates were quickly set down and soft conversation started up between Hyunjin and them as Minho turned to rest his hand at the back of Felix's neck. His thumb softly stroked the hair there. 

  
Jisung dropped his hands from Felix's arms, and looked over his head to Minho helplessly. Minho met it with a similar kind of desperation.

  
"Hey, Pixie," Minho leaned close to Felix to whisper, "Whatever is going on inside here?" He pressed gently on Felix's temple, "It's going to be fine, okay?"

  
Felix hummed meekly in acknowledgment, shifting into Minho's hands. Minho pulled at Felix's hands and this time he let them be pulled away. The entire table seemed to lose a little of its tension. Felix kept his eyes glued to the floor even then refusing to meet anyone's eyes with his puffy, red ones.

  
"Okay. Okay, Lixie. Thank you, baby. Can you tell hyung why you were hiding?" Minho coaxed.

  
"I d-didn't want to h-hurt Jisung-hyung."

  
"But...you weren't hurting me, Lixie...?"

  
"I wasn't, but my-" Felix stopped talking and turned his head into Minho's chest. Minho sighed and ran his fingers through Felix's hair. The room was silent except for Felix's wet hiccups and Minho, who started humming a soft tune to Felix.

  
The members at the table heard Chan and Jeongin before they actually saw them, and hope was sparked again. Chan could get almost anyone to talk. Seungmin was across the room and into the living room to meet Chan in mere seconds. The conversation was hushed but still very rapid and serious. Chan nodded firmly and pressed a kiss to Seungmin's cheek before he left the room. Jeongin immediately latched onto Seungmin's hand and gazed up at him with a worried look. Seungmin reassured him with a swift hug and a hand squeeze. They quickly joined the other people at the table. Chan had taken Jisung's place and the worried man now sat on the opposite side of the table in Changbin's lap. Seungmin and Jeongin arrived just in time to hear Chan speak.

  
"Hey, baby." Chan's hand joined Minho's in Felix's hair, "Do you want to tell me what happened?"

  
"I-I don't...I think...I think I'm scared, hyungie." Felix's voice came out hoarse and no louder than a murmur. 

  
"Scared of what, Pixie?"

  
"...my thoughts."

  
"Why, sweetheart? What are your thoughts saying that scare you?" 

  
"They-," Felix's words halt again.

  
"Hey, _hey_. No, baby. You gotta talk to me, Lix. I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong."

  
"You're gonna think I'm insane, hyung."

  
"I highly doubt that, sweetheart. You're not insane." Chan said, not unkindly.

  
Felix hesitated before speaking again, "They t-tell me to hurt Jisungie-hyung."

  
The room seemed to go cold for a moment at the admission. Chan himself froze in shock before shaking it off.

  
"...how do you mean, Lixie?" h

  
"Y-yesterday, in the living room, Jisung was eating chips and it wasn't even that _loud_ but-" Felix took a deep shuttering breath, "But it was _so_ _infuriating_ to me. Every crunch just made me so mad. I don't know _why_ , and I _knew_ that it was stupid and it was really not that big of a deal, but no matter what I did it was always just _there_. I couldn't even focus on a conversation. And at one particular crunch I turned to look at him and-".

  
Felix gasped on the sentence and shook his head, _"-can't. Can't finish,hyung, I-"_

  
"Baby, breathe. It's okay, you're okay. Just breathe." 

  
Felix sucked in air and let Chan pull his body up straight to breathe properly. Felix let Chan guide him through it until he was breathing normally. He slumped into Chan's chest and opened his eyes to look around the table at his boys. _They deserved to know didn't they?_ Felix would want to know what was hurting one of _them_ if they were in his place. Felix knew none of them would push after that though. The words 'I can't' were pretty intense. He started again, hesitantly.

  
"When I looked at him...my mind told me to s-strangle him." Felix squeezed his eyes shut again, "It told me how easy it would be. _And that terrifies me._ So _much_. I _hate_ having these thoughts. They make my skin crawl and they make me feel so _sick_. I don't ever want to think like that again, _but I don't how to make it stop. I just want it to stop, hyung."_

  
Tears ran down Felix's cheeks again, but this time they just streamed. He couldn't control them, and he didn't have the energy to move the rest of his body to express his pain. 

  
"Oh, sweetheart. I'm so sorry you felt like that." Chan breathed sorrowfully, "Is that why you left so suddenly yesterday?" Felix only nodded.

  
"...you know, Lixie," Hyunjin spoke, everyone's eyes turning to him, "There's a word for things like that. They're called intrusive thoughts. Everyone gets them, just some not as bad as others. Intrusive thoughts are the thoughts that tell you to eat things you shouldn't, or to randomly run until you wear yourself out. I get them too, just about different things. Mine, uhm, mine talk down to me sometimes? They tell me things I know aren't true. Like that you guys hate me. Or that Stays think I'm annoying. But they aren't true. _I know_ that. _That_ is what's true. So your thoughts may tell you to hurt Jisung, or one of us, but those aren't your thoughts, Lixie. Just your fears."

  
Felix locked eyes with Hyunjin, watching the concern that flickered behind them, and nodded.

He swallowed past the lump in his throat to whisper out, "Thank you, hyung." He whispered. Hyunjin just leaned over the table and took his hand. He pressed a kiss against Felix's knuckles and let their hands drop to the table. He didn't let go.

  
Felix pushed himself off of Chan's chest trying not to focus on the place where Chan's hand pressed against the small of his back. Felix steeled himself and looked across the table to meet Jisung's gaze. Jisung met it with so much love Felix was taken aback. Jisung stood up from Changbin's lap to transfer to Chan's, who seemed just as taken aback as Felix had been earlier, at the bold move. Jisung turned Felix's head to press their foreheads together, eyes closed.

  
"Ah, Lixie," he hummed just for him to hear, "My baby. _My little Lix._ You could never hurt me. _Wouldn't_ ever hurt me, baby. I know that, okay?"

  
Felix made a noise that he hoped sounded at least vaguely affirmative and let his eyes flutter shut.

  
"Uh-uh, babe. I want to hear you say it. 'I know that I would never intentionally hurt Jisung-hyung.' "

  
Felix whined at the words. _"Hyung~"_

  
"You will not be leaving this table until I hear those words, Lee Felix." The sentence was said half jokingly, a clear invitation to turn Jisung's demand down. Felix pondered for a second before taking a deep breath.

  
"I know that I would never intentionally h-hurt you, Jisung-hyung."

  
Jisung let out a breath, "Thank you, sweetie. I know." Jisung pulled away from Felix and pressed a kiss to his brow that lingered quite a few seconds. He sat back into Chan's chest who wrapped his arms securely around Jisung's waist. 

  
"Right!" Minho announced brusquely, breaking the somber mood, "Everyone sit down, we will not waste this delicious food that Binnie, Seung, and Hannie spent so long making!" 

  
Minho himself stood and pushed them all towards their respective seats before grabbing milk from the fridge and pouring glasses. The kitchen was suddenly bustling again, people starting up conversation with one another, but before they all sat down to finally eat they all made sure to give Felix kisses. Minho came back to sit down with them and breakfast commenced. Felix accused Changbin of giving him too many strips of bacon, to which he only received 'I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. There are clearly three pieces there.' (There most definitely were not three there but at that point Felix had given up.) 

  
Breakfast went quick and as the members went their separate ways, Hyunjin and Jeongin staying behind at the table with Felix to apply the Aloe lotion. Hyunjin took care of his hands while Jeongin walked around the table to apply it to Felix's face. At first Felix had denied that he needed help with his face, but it was to no avail. Felix dared someone to try and argue with the likes of Hwang Hyunjin and Yang Jeongin. Spoiler alert, it's hopelessly futile. Felix hummed at the first swipe of the cool lotion against the rough skin of his fingers and palms. Hyunjin applied it with such care and skill Felix felt like melting into the ground. Who knew Hyunjin was such a great hand masseuse? The only thing that kept his head from dropping was Jeongin's gentle hands. They tilted his jaw up so that Felix's hooded gaze found Jeongin's calm one. Felix spoke before he could stop himself.

  
"You have really pretty eyes, Innie." Jeongin's cheeks went red and he turned away, flustered, to grab a little of the lotion. When the maknae turned back around, the flush was gone.

  
"Thank you, hyungie. But yours are certainly far more gorgeous." Felix's eyes flew wide and he choked on his saliva. He looked at his maknae again and only saw mirth in his expression, well, and maybe also a little bit of cockiness. 

  
"Now stop moving, hyung, I need to put the lotion on."

  
Hyunjin chuckled, "You're such a brat, Innie."

  
The maknae simply shrugged and preceded to smear the lotion over Felix's nose, cheeks, and forehead. Felix's eyes fluttered shut at the smooth repetitive motion of Jeongin's thumbs over his cheeks, temples, and bridge of his nose. However, it wasn't long before Jeongin had to get more lotion, Felix's poor dry skin begging for more hydration. Jeongin was the first person who broke the silence.

  
"...hyung? What started this whole thing?"

  
"What do you mean, Innie?" Felix asked befuddled.

  
"I mean...you seemed fine not too long ago...what changed?"

  
Felix hummed at a particularly nice swipe of Jeongin's thumb over the furrow of his brow. Felix had already exposed so much today, what more was this?

  
"When I was little, in middle school and stuff, people used to make fun of my freckles. At first it didn't bother me, but it continued for years. The teasing was non-stop. They called them ugly and told me my freckles looked like dirt...so they gave me a nickname; 'Dirty Felix'."

  
Hyunjin made an affronted noise and Felix was sure that if he opened his eyes their expressions would be less than happy. He continued.

  
"Even after the teasing stopped, it still affected me, and I guess the stress of the come back made all those bad thoughts resurface. I didn't know how to deal with them, so I just pushed them away, but...it just made me irritable and touchy, I guess. So, here we are." 

  
Felix opened his eyes to look at Jeongin who actually had on a fairly neutral expression. Jeongin pulled away with one final swipe and closed the jar of cream, letting Hyunjin rub the last of it into Felix's palms before looking directly into Felix's eyes. 

  
_"That's peculiar hyung. I always loved your freckles."_

  
"Innie, you don't-" 

  
"I'm being serious, hyung." He insisted, "I have always loved your freckles. They're so unique, and pretty. They're like little gifts from the sun, like...like sun-kisses!" Jeongin laughed at the thought, "They just accentuate every part of you, hyungie. They lead me to your eyes."

  
Jeongin's fingers glanced over his eyes and Felix shut them just to feel his finger tips on his skin.

  
"Across your pretty nose." 

  
His fingers slid down the slope of his nose.

  
"Over your cheekbones... "

  
His thumbs pressed against the tops of his cheeks.

Jeongin kept his hands there, just resting on either side of his face, Felix's eyes still shut so peacefully.

  
"They're so pretty... _you're so pretty, hyung."_ Jeongin's sentence came out breathy and slightly awe struck.

  
Felix opened his mouth for a shy rebuke only to stop dead in his tracks. Soft lips had been pressed to his. They stayed there for a second, both of their lips unmoving before Jeongin let out a puff of air through his nose and pulled Felix in for the most breathtaking kiss of his life. Felix would deny it later when the other members asked, but Jeongin was certain the other boy had let out something akin to a whimper. They broke apart dazed, slightly dizzy, and shocked beyond no means. The only thing that interrupted their moment was Hyunjin.

  
"Oh, sure kiss each other and not me. I'll just go find a frog, don't worry about it-"

  
"Shut up, hyung." Jeongin rolled his eyes. He snatched Hyunjin by shirt and pulled him into a kiss that, from Hyunjin's reaction, was probably just as mind blowing as Felix's had been. As soon as he recovered, Hyunjin pulled Felix in, over the table, and pressed a too giggly kiss to his lips.

  
It was only Jisung's loud 'What the fuck?!' that echoed through the dorm that separated the two. _That_ obviously sent the rest of the dorm running, only to see Jeongin abruptly shutting Jisung up, and quite efficiently too, with a kiss of his own.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!! I hope this was a better read than the last one. The last one was filled with typos so I hope this one fairs better! Also the shower thing CAN HAPPEN. It happened to me. Not fun. I felt like a baked potato, so be careful with hot showers. Anyway, stay safe, stay warm, stay happy, and I'll see you soon lovelies! 💖


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